I am full of earth

You are heaven’s worth

I am stained with dirt

Prone to depravity

You are everything that is bright and clean

The antonym of me

You are divinity

But a certain sign of grace is this:

From the broken earth

Flowers come up pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy

All heaven cries “Holy, holy God.”

You are holy, holy, holy

I want to be holy like you are

You are everything that is bright and clean

And your covering me with Your majesty

And the truest sign of grace was this:

From wounded hands redemption fell down

Liberating man

You are holy, holy, holy

All heaven cries “Holy, holy God.”

You are holy, holy, holy

I want to be holy like you are

But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel

The depth of our fall and the weight of it all

And so this might could be the most impossible thing:

Your grandness in me

Making me clean

Glory, hal-le-lu-jah

Glory, Glory, hal-le-lu-jah

So here I am

All of me

Finally everything

Wholly, wholly, wholly

I am wholly, wholly, wholly

I am wholly, wholly, wholly…..Yours

I am full of earth and dirt and You

~ David Crowder, Wholly Yours

“My dear children, let’s not just talk about love.  Let’s practice real love.  This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality.  It’s also the way to shut down the debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it.  For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.”  1 John 3:18 The Message

I’ve been disgusted with my propensity for pride lately.  It can go back and forth between low self-esteem and arrogance very quickly.  Either way.  Yuck.  Self-consumed.

This verse is my marching orders right now.  Practice real love.  It’s scary for me, but I think it’s scary for all of us.  Any time we truly love we risk getting hurt.  That’s nothing new.  But He’s “greater than our worried hearts.”  Thank goodness.  Our pastor also says, “heart follows investment.”  Invest in people and you will love people.

I’m also icked out at my tendency to justify my weaknesses.  I know that’s nothing new either.  Just what I’m working on.  Do you have a hard time with that, too?

Here’s a public confession due to a public act: I would read people’s blogs and facebook pages and not leave comments.  From there I could use different phrases or ideas without acknowledging where I got those ideas.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sharing ideas, but there is a way to do it that is “living in the light.”  I’m going to try to acknowledge better when I’m using something I’ve heard from somewhere else. 

I’m so thankful for grace!  And that His power helps us in our weaknesses.

Okay, I’ve got a couple sweet boys to go love on.  I love my family.

“Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize.  Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions.  He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow. 

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: ‘Do not handle!  Do not taste!  Do not touch!’ ?  These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings.  Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.” Col 2:18-23

“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” ~ Isaiah 30:15

“The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.” ~ Isaiah 32:17

“‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…

I, even I, am the LORD, and apart from me there is no savior.  I have revealed and saved and proclaimed – I, and not some foreign god among you.  You are my witnesses,’ declares the LORD, ‘that I am God.  Yes, and from ancient days I am he.  No one can deliver out of my hand.  When I act, who can reverse it?…

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.'” ~ Isaiah 43:1b-3a, 11-13, 18&19

“We think we want to be on top – socially, professionally, athletically or ministerially, yet nothing breeds more insecurity.  If in our humble pursuit of God we find ourselves with a fleeting moment’s position, it’s a platform for God’s glory.  A sacred trust.  Matthew 6:33 tells us that if we give our entire lives to the pursuit of God, everything else of value will find us.” – Beth Moore

“We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit Who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.  This is what we speak, not in words taught by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.” ~ 1 Cor 2:12-13

Did you know there was a tsunami?!?!  I didn’t until I got in the car this morning (cause God’s making me take a break from media right now).

Oh man.  Give.  To them.  If you’re in Wichita, give to WAY FM, too.  A Christian perspective on these things is so needed. 

Let’s pray!!

An Ode to 2010

Well. This will be quite a bit of randomness. That’s alright.

First. Wow, what a fun Christmas we had! It was our first year to do Christmas eve/day with just our family. We started some new traditions including soup in bread bowls (one of these years those bread bowls will be from scratch), a spontaneous Christmas day brunch with our neighbors, picking out an animal to give from World Vision (I love how their philosophy teaches people to fish), and letting Caden pick out toys and HBA supplies for the Wichita Children’s Home. Oh my word we had such fun buying for them! And he waltzed up to the guy at the Home on Christmas Eve day and handed his bags over with such pride. I was proud too.

I’m thinking God has the Children’s Home in our family’s future. They serve kids 0-22 who need a place for a few days to a few months while waiting on court situations, foster care, etc. They also have a program for teen moms, a street outreach to runaways, and a BRIDGES program to the older ones who need to know how to live on their own and have some tough love. We fell in love there. It’s one of the ministries our church partners with locally and our neighbor spent a few weeks there when she was a teen, so we feel like we have a connection. Wonder what He has for us…we’re ready and willing to find out in the coming year.

That was long.

Anyway, He continually, continually, proves how we cannot out-give Him. We’ve been trying to be almost reckless in our financial giving and we can’t keep up with how He always keeps taking care of and blessing us. And when we’re tempted to dial it down a bit when things look tight financially in our limited view, He always provides when we trust Him.

Christmas night we drove around town as a family and were melancholy. Just all the build-up of the day being over and, frankly, we were bored! (I think we’re all extroverts.) So it cracked us up when our sermon the next day was on disappointment and how it is such a gift when it causes us to reevaluate our expectations. I’ve had my expectations reevaluated a lot the last month or so, and it has been hard to be excited about some things. But He is so faithful. My mother-in-law spoke some Truth to my heart when we went to their place the day after Christmas. She has developed such an open hand with her kids and kids-in-law, wanting us wherever He has us doing what He calls us to. Anyway, I teared up at the divine appointment our conversation was.

All that to say, I’m ending 2010 with some peace and chosen contentment I have been needing. Along with some excitement about our family’s purpose in 2011.

I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions (though as a fitness instructor I like them in how my classes explode for 5 weeks or so!), but I do have some practical goals I’d like to make a habit the first few months of 2011. One is ridiculous but needed: I want to wash my face and stinking brush my teeth every night. This is do-able! Plus, my cousin got us one of those fancy electric toothbrushes, so I’m more motivated than ever. My teeth feel so polished lately!

My last topic is how much I love my family. 2010 was a great year for us. We added our sweet, laid-back cuddler Caleb. And I can’t imagine life without him. What a gift.

I’ve been in awe at my man this year too. We’re at a good place with boundaries and are more sensitive to each other’s weak spots lately. And the scandalous amount of time he spends wrestling, playing guys with and reading to Caden is such a reflection on his character and devotion as a daddy. Daddy has always been his hero, but he’s been ratcheted up several notches this year. He definitely has helped take the sting off having that baby come and wreck his world. He even seems to enjoy his baby brother most of the time. I couldn’t be more smitten with my (very-imperfect-but-my) 3 boys.

This man-o-mine has also navigated our family through some decisions, some issues in our neighborhood, choices about schooling for us and our boy, housing decisions, financial faithfulness goals, a new grade level to teach, and our transition to a family of 4 this year. Yep, he’s our leader and I wouldn’t trade places with him. He makes the hard calls and I’m glad he knows to Whom he answers.

Happy New Year, all! Cheers to 2011.

Lots of contractions this time around already. Lots.

It’s weird because in the first pregnancy, the boy never dropped. I never dilated at all. (Why am I blogging on the world wide web about dilation?)

His heart rate kept dropping and they finally induced me. I had strong cramps for 4 hours and Caden didn’t handle these little cramps well at all. They soon rushed me with oxygen into the surgery room for a C-Section. Dan couldn’t even come in with me. It sucked. I puked on the operating table. I was so scared. And when Caden was born, I didn’t recognize him. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense.

I’m writing to anyone who reads this blog that is a person of prayer. It is hard for me to think of a single thing I enjoyed about having a baby for the first few months. I was scared of him. I was scared of my own baby. Couldn’t sleep. Dan had to sit down beside me and talk me through eating. A little at a time. So I could keep it down.

I was nursing and one month he didn’t gain enough weight. I felt myself spiraling downward.

I was convinced Caden liked Dan more than me. I didn’t know how to love him. I would watch Dan sing and tickle him, make up goofy nicknames for him and I’d think What am I doing here? They don’t need me.

The enemy is really, really mean.

It was one of the scariest times in my life.

And I’m a little over a month away from giving it another go.

Yes. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Thank goodness. When you know what’s wrong you can work to deal with it. Through talking with a counselor and getting on some medication, I started to sleep. I could eat without gagging. Suddenly my boy didn’t seem so scary. The part of me that wanted to bond started coming back.

My parents said they breathed a huge sigh of relief when I emailed them this picture:

That’s over 3 months after his birth. It took me that long to learn to enjoy my little boy.

I think he forgives me. And I forgive myself a little more all the time for not being my child’s savior. Then or ever. That’s not my role.

Would you pray for us? There are so many things about parenting that don’t come naturally to me. And I’ve heard that having two kids is way more than twice as much work. I promise I’m not going into this already defeated. But I do realize sometimes that I’m gritting my teeth and am unaware of it. When I retrace my thoughts, I had been thinking about all the changes and how it will go.

Fortunately, Dan still has a job. We aren’t planning on moving 4 apartments in his first 4 months. We won’t even be leaving the country 🙂 I get to bring him back to the same home I left. Not that this is a right I have, but it is something I don’t take for granted.

I know my limits, have a support system and am already on a low dose medication that can easily be stepped up a notch for that rough newborn period if needed.

Things are looking up. But prayer is what I’d love to feel covered in. No, I don’t deserve it. All I deserve is hell. But my gracious, completely adoring Father gives me so much more than that every day. I will never be ungrateful.

Thanks for reading and praying if you choose to. I love you and I don’t even know all of you.