Well, it’s official.

PreK might just kill me.

We went to parent orientation today and he starts on Monday.

It all feels so vulnerable.

I want him to start.  He’s ready to learn and the engagement will be good for him.

But I’m apprehensive about handing him over to someone else 3 hours a day.

Plus, if we’re being totally honest, I’m nervous about my parenting being on display to others.

While we 3 parents orientated, the 3 kids played.  When Caden made a shooting sound, the teacher goes, “No guns here.”

Yikes!  He plays guns all the time.  I never thought about that being bad.

Like I said.  Vulnerable.

And humbling.

Vulnerable and humbled.  Not a bad place to be.

I struggle with what I’m doing being “enough.”  And I have to fight to not be jealous of those doing what I consider “big things” for God.

What’s a big thing?  Things like getting a degree in theology.  Or serving overseas.  Or adopting.

But then I have a day like today when I feel weak and helpless.  On the verge of tears over my child going to school.  And nervous about changing roles and being evaluated as a parent.  And it feels like more than enough.  Too much.  Of course it’s too much.  On my own strength.  But like our pastor reminded us on Sunday, He is faithful.

He’ll be faithful with my baby at school.

He’ll be faithful with my heart.

He’ll be faithful in parenting me as I keep learning to parent my boys.

Man, was I proud of him as I watched him practice lining up on the wall and figuring out where he’ll hang his backpack.

He was so proud, too.

He’s such a sweet boy.

And he’s ready.

I’m ready, too.

Most of the time.

And I know He’ll hold me when I’m struggling.

Because He’s good.

And so is moving on to the next stage when it’s right.

So, no, I guess it won’t kill me.

But I’ll be clinging.

Another good place to be.

When I think about writing the next installment on simplicity of heart, I stop thinking about it.  I’m not sure where to start, but I’m also intimidated at the whole process.  Like, for example, how keenly aware I am that my inner world this morning didn’t line up with anything I would write about.

But I really don’t want that to stop me.

So on we travel.

Last time I ended on the note of obedience.  I don’t think that word is very popular in our culture.  It conjures up only negative images for a lot of us.  We most definitely prefer our independence and rights over any notion of obedience.

And yet…

There’s something so beautiful in not being ultimately in control.  In knowing and actually living out the reality that there’s One Who knows better and He might have a better idea than I do.  In fact, I’m learning that’s what prayer is (in this study our group is doing).  If prayer were about us getting God to change His mind, His plans could be thwarted (Job42:2), He wouldn’t be doing what He wants (Ps115:3) but what I want, His plans wouldn’t be standing firm forever (Ps33:11) and He would be like a man changing His mind (1Sam15:29) rather than being unchanging (Num23:19).

No, He is working according to a plan.  Thank goodness.  And He desires mercy.  Mercy triumphs over judgment!  However, when sin is going to bear the natural consequence (death) in a situation, God looks for an intercessor.  Someone whose heart can sync up with His heart and mind.  Someone who will stand in the gap (Ezek22) on behalf of those who would otherwise bear the consequences of their disobedience.  Dean writes, “What God wants to do on the earth, He will do through intercessors…  When God wants to change the course events will take on their own, He calls out an intercessor.” (page 27)

So, no, prayer does not change God, but “prayer does change the circumstances of earth.  If we approach prayer as if God’s mind needed to be changed, then aren’t we starting out with the supposition that God is about to make a mistake?  But if we understand that every thought and intention in the mind of God is good and righteous, then we will enthusiastically cooperate with Him, praying His power and provision onto the earth.”

Prayer changes us.  We get to line up with His desires in whatever situation we’re talking to Him about.  Soon we find His words remaining in us more and more (John15:7).  We’re not so confused about what to ask in a situation, or so selfish, because we’ve been spending more and more time with Him.  He’s teaching us to line up with Him.

And I think that’s the spirit of obedience Foster refers to that I quoted last time.  When we get to know His voice through the Word and the Spirit, and obey even when it’s hard, He changes us.  When we get honest in our prayer lives about what we really are wanting in the situation, and then get to the place where we can sincerely say, “Not my will, but Yours,” we don’t rise up from our knees the same.

Can you see why it would be important for us to start here if we’re going to address money and possessions and time and living in simplicity?  If you don’t, the odds of missing the point are pretty high.  But if we start with Him as the ultimate Treasure, and us as moldable and obedient, we can begin to talk about our bank accounts.

Thus, Foster starts with Christ the Center.  And the inner reality that must be in place.  “If all within us is honed down to the single treasure of Christ and his kingdom, then we are living in the light of simplicity.” (pg. 41)

But how does that happen?  How do we get there in our lived-out reality?  Isn’t that why we read the Bible, share life with like-minded people, go to church, pray?  I would say most definitely.  And Foster adds his thoughts on going deeper, which challenged me.

But I think that should wait.  So until next time!

“But as soon as they were at rest, they again did what was evil in your sight.” Nehemiah 9:28a

I’ve been thinking about how when my life is fairly comfortable, I’m not prone to cling to Him.  I start to live under this illusion that I’ve got things under control.  And faster than fast I slide into self-absorption.

I don’t want Him to have to make my life uncomfortable so I’ll live from His strength and not my own.  I guess that’s where discipline comes in.  The daily-ness of walking with Him and not just in trials.  I’ve always known that.  But you can know a lot of things.

I need Him in rest.  I need Him in trials.  I need Him in work.  I need Him at play.  I need Him when I’m getting along great with Dan.  I need Him when I’m failing to serve Dan above myself.  I need Him when I’m hanging in there as a mom.  I need Him when I’m overwhelmed by the task.  I need Him when I feel close and connected and in a mutually-serving relationship with my friends.  I need Him when I feel far away from them and can only think about what they can do for me.

I just read that Nehemiah verse today and was reminded of my need.  All the time.  Let’s cling to Him.

My heart is full.  There are some fun, exciting things happening in our church and we get to be a part of them.  Even me, a mom of young kids.  It makes me so happy.

We found a tumbling class for Caden to join at the rec center, pending there are still spaces available.  I have a sense he’ll eat it up.

We’re working on writing letters with Cade and you’ll never meet a boy more excited to start PreK in the fall.  We live right by the neighborhood school and it can be torture on a kid to watch all your neighborhood buddies go somewhere “cool” while you have to hang with mom.  I’m looking forward to this new adventure of parenting and life for him.  I’m also interested to see how starting school will change neighborhood investment – hopefully for the deeper and better.

Our small group is starting a partnership with a local nursing home.  Our kids are even welcome to come with and make relationships.  I’m thinking this could be right up our alley.  And I’m praying we can join God where He’s at work in people’s lives there.

We’re planning a fun trip to California this summer to visit Dan’s brother & his wife who moved out there.  The plan is to make it as frugal as possible while still enjoying ourselves and the sights.  Our rhythm seems to be big, long trips one summer and local, smaller-scale trips the next.  Seems to work well for us.  We’ll see how the kids do.  But we don’t want their ages to hold us back from traveling and investing in family & friends.  I’ve heard some good advice about how vacations can be a vital part of family bonding through the years.  We want to share adventures, laughs and time away from the usual routine with our boys.

Wow.  When you write it all out it seems like a lot.  But it has all come one thing at a time to us with such peace from Him.  He’s helping me open my hands to some fears and showing me small glimpses of how we can handle things with His help.  My biggest concern in any new opportunity is my availability to my family and current relationships.  But God has worked these new avenues out in such a way that they overlap with my family and friendships.  Nothing could make me happier.  Or feel more authentic.

He is so, so good to us.

A new lady has been coming to Fall Avoidance and I just like her.  She’s just likeable.

Today she told me she’d been married 62 years when her husband lost the battle of pancreatic cancer.  After only 3 days.  That was four years ago, and she said she’s still not over how fast it took him.

They had a little heating and cooling business with which she helped.  She did the bookkeeping.  She told me her main complaint was when her man would bring all the bills to her the night before they were due.

Know what she said?  “If I could do that for him tomorrow, though, I wouldn’t complain a bit.”

Don’t they just kill you, too?

Today was kind of a long day.  It wasn’t hard or busy.  And the boys were pretty good.  It was just long.

Not much going on so we spent as much time as we could outside.  I got called to sub a class, so that was a nice break in the middle of the day.

But the rest was just…long.

Then Dan got home.  Every time I see him drive up in the evening, I get a little giddy and have some butterflies.  Don’t make fun of me.

We ate dinner and I watched as the nightly ritual of WWF commenced.  Caleb has been crawling around trying to get in the action lately.  So cute.  They have to make adjustments so as not to hurt him, but neither seem to mind.

Dan’s my hero.  For so many reasons.  I just love the way he loves on his family.  He’s squared his broad shoulders and born up under the burden of lots during the last several years.  He’s allowed it to only make him stronger and more sincere.  Two very good traits.

Just now he asked Caden if he wanted to run to the store with him.  Caden goes, “No thanks, I want to stay here with my family.”

I’m just twitter-pated with my guys right now.  Wanted to share 🙂

Money Saving Mom, you rock!

In this article, she gave a really great checklist for blogging content.

There are several things I know I need to work on, particularly the “Perfectionist” and “Be Careful” pointers.  Man, do I struggle with this.  She pointed out how once you post something you can’t take it back.  And I’m terrible about hitting publish and later thinking of why I didn’t mean it that way or shouldn’t have said it this way, etc.

I’d like to think it’s because I have no intention of harming anyone.  I really hope I’m not kidding myself on that.  I even edited yesterday’s post after reading her article because, while I meant no harm, it is a sensitive topic and needs to be treated sensitively.  She reminded bloggers to, “Always assume everyone in the whole world may read what you write.”

I think that’ll be a great sifter of content for me before I hit publish.  I don’t ever mean for anything on here to be super secretive, but I also don’t always think through the multiple angles from which my content could be taken and adjust accordingly.  I don’t think “stream of consciousness” is always helpful for readers.

On the other hand, one of her points is to be Confident.  I’m working on continually finding my voice and not apologizing for having one.

So there you have it.  Blogging Lessons.  Have a nice sun-trying-to-peek-through day!

One of my favorite spunky ladies at the gym passed away last week.  Her man was getting bad so they moved near family over a year ago so she could get some help with him.  Then she died on Friday.  They say the caregiver can sometimes go first.  I understand her husband hardly knows anyone these days, but I’m sure he misses her.

I know she loved Jesus.  We talked about it a few times.  Once when I spurted out a worry she shot back with, “Today has enough trouble of its own.”  I was put in my place.

It’s got me thinking.  Her good friend was the one who told me this morning.  She said every time they talked she would tell her how much she missed everybody here.  Her friends at the gym & her church.  She really had a great community.

Death does funny things to me.  I know with all my heart she wouldn’t trade where she is right now with where we are right now.  Heaven has to be magnificent.

But I keep thinking about her man.  And how much I hate goodbyes.  But hoping he was able to understand and say one to her.

We worship El Olam, the Everlasting God (Gen21:33).  The God of Eternity.  He has set eternity in our hearts (Ecc3:11).  We know we weren’t meant for goodbyes.  We are eternal in His image.  That makes them all the harder in the temporary.

Thank You, God, one day we won’t say anymore goodbyes.  And take care of her husband.  Be his Caregiver and Best Friend right now.

Ahh.  I love the stillness of nap time.  Yesterday I tried to have Caden skip his nap, but while I did some dishes he fell asleep on the living room floor.  So that didn’t work out.

We had a wildly successful trip to the library yesterday which included a big find: Iron Man: The Ultimate Guide.  It’s a giant book explaining…well… Iron Man.  Caden and Dan both love it.

This morning a friend gave us a bag of clothes for Caden, including some swim trunks.  The very thing I had needed to keep an eye out for at garage sales!  I love it when God does that.  And when friends are generous.

My sissy and her hubs are coming this weekend!  I’m excited for them to be here.

Three of us talked this morning about things like swim lessons and T-Ball.  Is that how you spell it?  T-Ball?  Anyway, I just couldn’t believe we’re getting to that stage.  I have all kinds of theories about why I don’t want our kids involved in too many activities.  But watching families a few years ahead of us juggle multiple kids through even one activity each looks busy.  I really want our kids’ hearts to be at home.  But I also want them to be challenged, learn skills, discipline, and especially teamwork.  And of course have fun and make friends.  I’m all about the fun and friends.  We’ll hammer it out as we go with God.  We have lots of people around us with wisdom to share, too.

Oh, another thing: Caden’s last day of school is Friday and we’re signed up to bring CapriSun.  And they’re on sale this week.  I think God cares about things like that, don’t you?  I believe He is able to do huge miracles.  I’m asking Him for some regularly for people in my life.  But sometimes the most stunning thing He does for me is show me how intimately acquainted He is with my daily life.  When I don’t even think to ask, He blesses me.  Some lessons are about stewardship and some are about daily bread.  I hope I have my eyes open to both.

Have a great day!