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On the Balcony of a Site

Pronounced see-tay, this is a Turkish apartment complex. Although this photo is not the actual courtyard where we were stayed in Istanbul, those small balconies are similar to the one in “our” apartment.

And it was on such a balcony where I had my first breakthrough with deep, persistent postpartum depression.

I’ve written a little about postpartum before. At the time, I was writing to request prayer. Today I want to share a little more deeply about some of the ways God met me in my despair.

We had lived with our wonderful teammates for the first 3 months of our son’s life. I was not getting better. During a panic attack-type episode, Dan looked at me and said, “We are not going back to [our city] with you like this!”

The leadership of our organization was kind enough to move us to a place by ourselves with lots of light and windows.

In His divine timing, a family from our team was in the city to get their visas renewed. The wife had struggled before with depression and I was warmed as she shared her experiences.

She encouraged me to write down things I’m hearing in my head.

Then ask Him what He thinks.

For the sake of understanding the horror that is anxiety, I am going to share some of the things that were (literally) swirling in my head:

– We are a burden on people’s resources

– We are lazy since we’re not in our “correct” city working

– People are all judging us

– Everyone is talking bad about us behind our backs

– People have been patient up til now, but that will soon end

– I feel guilty because I am guilty

– I’m a terrible mother

– The way I feel about mothering will never get better

– My record is permanently stained

– I owe everyone

– I need to somehow work this off

Now, if someone else had told me they were thinking the above list of harsh, harsh comments about themselves, I would have been able to come up with a zillion reasons why none of that was true.

But when it’s you, it feels so true.

That afternoon, after I laid the baby down for his nap, I wandered onto our apartment’s small balcony and sat down in the sun.

Dan came out soon after. He sat down next to me, staring silently out into the courtyard trees. I glanced at him then, sensing his deep concern as well as his helplessness. I had never felt like such a burden.

I had brought out with me the book “Praying God’s Word” so I asked him to pray the verses from “Overcoming Despair” out loud over me.

He did.

Oh, he did.

If I was needing His thoughts on my situation, He certainly answered me intimately:

You love me with an everlasting love. You will build me up again and I will be rebuilt. (Jer 31)

Lead me when I’m blinded by ways I have not known, along unfamiliar paths please guide me. Turn the darkness into light and make the rough places smooth. (Is 42)

You have never forsaken those who seek You. (Ps 9)

You do not give to me as the world gives. My heart need not be troubled or afraid. (Jn 14)

You make me lie down in green pastures; You lead me beside quiet waters; You restore my soul. (Ps 23)

You, Mighty Defender, love me, an alien, giving me food and clothing. (Deut 10)

You are my God and I am among the sheep of Your pasture, the flock under Your care. (Ps 95)

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven (Ecc 3). Nothing is ‘untimely’ to You.

You are my hiding place. (Ps 32) Cover me with Your feathers and grant me refuge under Your wings (Ps 91)

I felt bathed in the sunlight. I asked Him to please cover my shame. I pictured Him standing between me and this Enemy of Depression and taking it all in the chin for me.

We sat that way for some time, relishing His Presence.

When I finally stood up, I felt lighter somehow. The storm wasn’t over but the waves weren’t crashing as furiously.

It was going to be okay.

I love that Dan caught this scene on camera of me writing out these precious truths to keep forever.

Learning to enjoy the bonding – with God’s Words right next to me

The Good News Gazette

On a recent Tuesday, like usual, I asked the seniors in my Fall Avoidance class what is going on in the world.

We have a variety of political and opinion differences represented.

I like to think of myself as the mediator.

Anyway, often the worst of the news headlines come out in conversation. It is always depressing. If it involves children or disaster, my heart always sinks.

This particular Tuesday I specifically asked who had any good news. (That was a lot of italics.)

No one did.

Then one of my students proceeded to tell all the depressing.

That’s when Judith piped up.

“I will look for you and bring you something positive on Thursday.”

And she did.

Can you believe this?

She looked through the past four days’ worth of newspapers and made me this. It was several pages long. And very encouraging.

I mean, I don’t think I even read it all.

But what was encouraging was she went out of her way to do this kind act for me.

And she didn’t expect anything in return.

I was grateful.

But you are a chosen people,

A Royal Priesthood,

A Holy Nation,

A people belonging to God,

That you may declare the praises of Him

Who brought you out of darkness into His wonderful light.

Once you were not a people,

But now you are the people of God;

Once you had not received mercy,

But now you have received mercy.

1 Peter 2:9-10

Sell everything and buy Wisdom! Forage for Understanding!

Don’t forget one word! Don’t deviate an inch!

Never walk away from Wisdom—she guards your life;

love her—she keeps her eye on you.

Above all and before all, do this: Get Wisdom!

Write this at the top of your list: Get Understanding!

Throw your arms around her—believe me, you won’t regret it;

never let her go—she’ll make your life glorious.

She’ll garland your life with grace,

she’ll festoon your days with beauty.”

Dear friend, take my advice;

it will add years to your life.

I’m writing out clear directions to Wisdom Way,

I’m drawing a map to Righteous Road.

I don’t want you ending up in blind alleys,

or wasting time making wrong turns.

Hold tight to good advice; don’t relax your grip.

Guard it well—your life is at stake!

Don’t take Wicked Bypass;

don’t so much as set foot on that road.

Stay clear of it; give it a wide berth.

Make a detour and be on your way.

Evil people are restless

unless they’re making trouble;

They can’t get a good night’s sleep

unless they’ve made life miserable for somebody.

Perversity is their food and drink,

violence their drug of choice.

The ways of right-living people glow with light;

the longer they live, the brighter they shine.

But the road of wrongdoing gets darker and darker—

travelers can’t see a thing; they fall flat on their faces.

Dear friend, listen well to my words;

tune your ears to my voice.

Keep my message in plain view at all times.

Concentrate! Learn it by heart!

Those who discover these words live, really live;

body and soul, they’re bursting with health.

Keep vigilant watch over your heart;

that’s where life starts.

Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth;

avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip.

Keep your eyes straight ahead;

ignore all sideshow distractions.

Watch your step,

and the road will stretch out smooth before you.

Look neither right nor left;

leave evil in the dust.

Proverbs 4:4-27 The Message. My Word this morning.

Today, my beloved youngest and I had a throw down.

Well, actually we sat in the parking lot of his soon-to-be-preschool and waited 20 looooong minutes to get him to buckle his seatbelt on his own.

Here’s the thing: He knows what he needs to do. He knows step one, step two, step three, aannnd buckle!

But he wasn’t doing it. First he said he didn’t know how. I said, “Yes, you do. We’ve been practicing for a week.”

Then he said he needed help. So I started to reach to help. He didn’t want that.

Then I said I would talk him through it. He started crying louder. (To be exact, he had been crying/whining this whole time.)

So I stopped talking him through it and turned around and listened to the radio.

He kept crying.

He accused me of “never helping him.”

Truth be told, I was so stinking annoyed at him.

I wanted to tell him I had tried! He hadn’t wanted it. Then he had wanted it. He’s so confusing!

But I (believe it or not) didn’t rail on him. I simply said, “I will help you if you need help. But you need to ask nicely.”

He did.

I helped. It didn’t work perfectly the very first time, so he let go of the belt, letting it retract back and wailing about how he can’t do it.

Finally I said, “You can do it. You’re choosing not to. I will help if you want, but we are going to sit here until you do it.”

Guess what? He did it.

Two things:

1. He didn’t do my step 1, step 2, step 3 method. He pulled all the way down first, then scooted the buckle all the way to the holder. It was a good idea.

2. We sat there way too long while he apathetically “tried” to get the buckle to go in. First he wasn’t even looking. Then he looked but weakly slapped it against the holder. Finally, after I looked away – but still helped him hold it so it wouldn’t retract again – he slid it in.

I cheered. Way too much. That made him fuss louder. He didn’t want a parade. He didn’t want a cheerleader. He just wanted someone near enough to help when he needed it, to stand back and make him do it himself when he didn’t need it, and to acknowledge the effort in a low key way when he accomplished it.

One more thing? On the way home he found other things to accuse me of. Other reasons why I had done something wrong or said it not the right way. How frustrating!

The worst part was how much of myself I saw in those blue eyes.

I am the Queen of I want this/I don’t want this.

Move closely, pull away. Have a deep connection one time, then knee-jerk backward the next in fear. Whine that no one will help me or I can’t do it, then resent advice or help or even encouragement.

Bleh.

God wants me to write. I think He wants me to share it with others. I don’t want a parade. I definitely don’t want to be put on a pedestal.

But I want to help others put words to their fear or pride or anger or whining.

I want to know someone is there for (low-key) encouragement when I need it and to back off when I don’t.

I want others to (kindly and in love) call me out when I’m whining and accusing instead of working and trying.

I want people to directly ask me if they have a question about what I believe or how I feel instead of assuming.

And I want those same people to hold me up to the same standard: don’t assume, just ask.

I want people to not expect me to be able to be there for them in a way I’m only emotionally capable of being with a select few. But to receive what I have to give when I can give it.

I want to take my fear and shame and smash them publicly in the hopes that it will encourage others to do it, too, with whatever their strongholds are.

And I want God to be made famous through it all.

Because He has told me we’re gonna sit here until I do.

So. God had me shut my mouth for a 2-month break.

On June 21st my man said, “You are taking a 2-month break from blogging.” He (truly) rarely does something in that I’m-putting-my-foot-down way. I sensed God behind it and His protection and my man’s desire to protect me and needed growth for our family, my character, some rest, and other things only He knows. I also felt pulled away from media.

It was soooo good. Not a bunch of blogs or Facebook or even Pinterest (well, for a few things like recipes but not just zoning out).

I did a lot of reading. Books, you know.

Dan and I did communication training in couples counseling in the spring/summer. It was a little hard on my Communication Degree Ego, but you can know a lot of things without applying them well.

Anyway, we have some tools now for our heated discussions. The best ones? Echo and Disarm. Restate what they’ve said until you say it back to them in a way they are satisfied that you understood the heart behind it. Then, say something like, “That makes sense” or “I can see how you would think that.”

Amazing, right? The most important part for me was this is not saying, “Yeah, you’re right. You win.”

Especially if I don’t agree.

This Echoing/Disarming is simply putting in the work to see the other’s point of view and then validating it.

It does just what it says it will: disarm. When someone does that to you, you want to put down your fists. You no longer want to take up arms and defend your point of view. And, even more miraculously, you feel so validated you want to hear their point of view and validate it as well.

I recommend it. They really will know we are His by how we love each other.

What else? Kids Kamp at our church plus VBS at a friend’s church. A spontaneous Garage Sale when we realized the two houses at the end of our street were having one and we wanted to benefit from the traffic. We got rid of the majority of our baby stuff. But I don’t want to talk about that.

We did the Library Summer Reading Program, which I cannot recommend highly enough. Such great incentive to read with all those coupons awaiting you. Both the boys were incredibly proud.

It was a summer for weddings, too. Our dear friends married and the boys were ring bearers. They were so regal and proud walking down the outdoor aisle. Here they are with their Flower Girl friends:

Aaannnddd… a little strung out at the dance around 10 pm

We attended a wedding of Dan’s co-worker who is connected with some of our Emporia friends from college days. What fun to see that group again!

We of course had some family fun. Here are The Cousins. Camp Grandma was a Road Show this year. She stayed in a hotel here in Wichita and they had a grand ole time staying with her, seeing the sights, and swimming in the hotel pool.

We also visited both sets of Grandparents and did things like meet our California niece/cousin and shoot fireworks and eat all the food.

Itsy Bitsy Spider

We swam no less than 2 times a week all summer. We hit the outdoor water parks at the different Ys with friends, the indoor pool at my gym, and several times at others’ private pools. We were made for fun in the sun.

The obligatory foot shot

We also made some trips. To see friends and hear about the church plant in which they’re investing. Plus, I went (alone!) to KC to see my sissy. She bought a Spa Package Groupon for the two of us because she likes to buy my love.

And, finally, our garden grew! Zucchini and Squash didn’t survive the bugs. But green beans, tomatoes and cucumbers held strong. And carrots, but they weren’t as big as we’re used to. But we were proud of them all the same!

Those tall things are sunflowers. Also, Caden made a bird feeder at 4-H camp. Dan whipped out that bird feeder holder from scraps of wood like it was nothin.

Overall? Fabulous summer.

Now about that new blog…

I was wrong. A new, professional blog is not the direction God is leading. Moreover, after talking with people who know me/us really well, we agreed it had the potential to really confuse me as to who my audience is. Which is ironic because that was the training process I was referring to in my last post: the ability to write what I need to even if I sense that others don’t completely approve.

He is my Audience. The only way I could have the audacity to write things to others that seem to be coming from Him is to know that I know I’m writing out of obedience to Him.

So. I’m excited to continue to share lessons He teaches me on this little blog.

If you want, you can comment. Just be kind, please. My heart is as vulnerable as yours.

Can we just be kind?

I hope you had a great summer, too!

Dan and I have made a deal.

Well, let me back up.

I started blogging five years ago at the insistence of my sister. Back then, life was far from perfect. But it was very simple. When I look back I just sigh at the wide expanses my soul wandered back then.

But life, as they say, changes.

Add a second child. A mortgage. More classes to teach. A husband’s academic and career dreams to support. A ministry and more friends to serve. A school-age child’s activities to engage. More kids’ friendships to help coordinate. A wider community.

All. good. stuff.

But sometimes…

We’ve been thinking through what the next phase of life is for us. Most likely it will involve a career shift for my man. And in two short years, both my children will be in school full-time. So we’ve been thinking through what’s next for me. What are the passions God’s given me? How do I want to intentionally spend my time Monday through Friday, 9 to 4 soon?

There are several options:

Get more certifications and teach more classes or train more individuals. But that likely will involve running around town even more and sometimes missing things like field trips.

Get an office job. But that makes me want to cry.

Or I can pursue my dream of writing.

Yes. That one.

It will free me up to go on those field trips. To engage in ministry. To have lazy, after-school play dates. To work my schedule around my family and community.

And, praise Jesus, we live in a time where that can happen.

But the deal with my man is this: If I’m going to spend a large amount of time and energy on this, it needs to generate some income.

So, here we are. I’m leaving my sweet little organic blog. I’m going to have a professional help me set one up that allows people to advertise. I’m going to remind myself that people do this all the time and it doesn’t make me a sell-out. Or maybe it does, but I’m gonna go for it.

I’m going to put myself out there.

What I love about God is He insists on us relying on Him. Not because He’s co-dependent with us. Thank goodness.

But because He wants us to be satisfied in Him. And let our lives bear fruit that could only be explained by Him and His involvement. And because without faith it is impossible to please Him.

And because He said so.

And every time He says so, it is for our good, not suppression.

Anyway, we’re fairly confident this is the path for our family to begin pursuing. If we’re wrong, we’ll tweak or start over. But we won’t stop seeking Him. Or the simplicity that having single eyes will give us.

Thank you if you’ve read even one post on this blog. I hope you’ll join us at the new one (still in the works, but we’ll be sure to keep you updated).

Thank you for being part of a training process God designed for us before we took the next step.

We didn’t even know what He was up to.

And now that we see a tiny glimpse, we only love Him more.

Memorial Day!

My parents just left a bit ago. They played like crazy with the boys while Dan and I headed out to a wedding last night. It was a ball.

I have a first grader! They had a sweet little graduation for the kindergarten class.

And summer is here! I definitely am going to take a bit of a break on here. I am wanting to work on a few personal projects and take some time away from media. Caden got in trouble and lost some media privileges for a while, so I’m joining him in some of it.

But before I go, here is a load of family photos from the past couple of months. You can stop reading here if you’re not interested!

Trip to KC to see Uncle Paul!

Fuzzy Mall Carousel Picture

Dying Easter Eggs

Friend’s Birthday Party!

Cement paintings for the garden!

First Music Concert!

I love him.

Field Day

Kindergarten Classes played Tug of War!

My Graduate

They had them give a rose to someone special! I’m glad he chose me.

Sweet Teacher. I told her we would talk about her for the rest of his life!

Adding ammo to our “guns”

“Shooting” cars as they drive by

I love him.

I love him. Wedding Fun. I danced like a crazy person. My man can bust a move, too!

A sweet family shot.

A more accurate family shot!

Summer’s Here!!!

Spending Fast Final Thoughts

Well, here we are. Spending Fast is in the books.

It was a nice time to really refocus on our finances. I was interested in an article I saw on a blog called “When a Spender and a Saver Marry” thinking I was one or the other.

But the truth is, Dan and I are both Spenders. It’s just different. I can nickel-and-dime us to death on little things. He likes quality things, so when he does something, he goes big.

So what to do when a Spender and a Spender marry?

Have regular checks on stuff, I guess.

Friends, this fast wasn’t even that hard. Which is hard. You know? Think of how much more intentional I can be – without it really even pinching – and how much Good in which we could invest money.

It was a good check for me when I just wanted to grab something quickly. I didn’t even have to plan that much more; just make sure I had an orange or sandwich or apple or pretzels for Caleb when we left and I wasn’t sure if we’d be back before he got hungry.

I had been making Caden pack his own school lunch and ended up packing it for him a few times out of guilt that I was making him do it all the way to the end of school. But he didn’t seem to care too much.

On that note, I would like to say that the boys did absolutely fine. I truly need to stop blaming them for things like this. They would ask, I would remind them we’re not buying extra treats, we would pop popcorn or something when we got home and it wasn’t a huge deal. Forgive me, boys. You’re more mature than Mama.

Garage Sales were a big temptation. I saw one of those large, well-made signs that spoke of an area-wide sale last week. And it was in a nice neighborhood. Which means – let’s be honest – nicer stuff. But I just said, “Get thee behind me, satan” and drove on. Win!

Home Accessories and Clothing? Meh. No biggie. First, we’ve weeded through our closets this spring and I’ve been well aware of how much I already have. Also, I think I mentioned a friend gave me some jeans. That was fun. Just watching Him shower me in love in a different way. Community is one big answer to spending less. We don’t all have to go buy the same stuff. Let’s share!

Looking back I think I should’ve included a media limit as well during all this. I think a few times I hopped on Pinterest or Facebook a little more, just transferring my entitlement issues to a different outlet.

But not every time. Most of the time I went to my God and asked Him to come through. He did beautifully, as always. I love how when we take Him up on His Word, He delights to prove Himself faithful.

One of my favorite quotes from Jen’s wrap-up on her Spending Fast Month I cannot relate to:

“We put a chunk of money into adoption savings and gave a few hundred away, because guess what? When you don’t spend money, you have more at the end of the month. This financial wizardry is brought to you free of charge.”

See, we didn’t have a bunch of money left over. Which is fine. It just points out how we have a budget for a reason. And we need to live within it.

I think that’s my biggest take-away. Intentional planning = Kingdom Living.

It’s totally doable. I can take a few extra brain cells and minutes in the morning to plan well for stuff (mostly lunches and snacks) and make sure I have a plan for dinners. If I do, we can do a lot of Good Stuff with the extra. (Eating Out and Treats = our biggest Budget Busters.)

Oh! Another thing that I didn’t account for (and we went ahead and spent the money on) was Gifts. We had a birthday party, graduations, and a few other situations. I have a friend who is even intentional in this area. When she sees something kid-related marked down, she’ll snatch it up (she has a little wiggle room in her budget for this). Then she keeps a tub of gifts and selects the right one for each occasion. (Come to think of it, I think she does this with “adult” gifts as well – candles and things.) That way, even if she’s having a lean month she still can be generous with her loved ones.

Another thing I’ve thought a lot about as I’ve refreshed my mind with some of these money quotes is savings. When I stop to think about it, do I really think that – if I’m intentional about investing my money in others and the Kingdom – God is going to let me fall on my face if I don’t have “enough” savings? I just don’t think so. That’s not His character. Or what His Word says. Rather, it’s a really wonderful way for Him to show up. Provide differently. And obviously. So others see His glory.

A while back, a quote in our group’s study caught my attention:

“If there is anything about me that is communicating to others that I am above them and not right in the middle of them, something is horribly wrong.”

That is my heart. I wanted to make sure and say why I often share mess-ups on here. It is not for pity or because I think God is disappointed in me. It’s just that I never want to come across as having it all together. It’s very important to me.

But last week at group one of my girls had some wisdom. She goes, “I’m very quick, in the name of vulnerability, to share where I struggle or what’s not going well. But when I hear of a young mom having success in patience or something, it can be really encouraging. So I want to appropriately share successes when they are in the right context.”

Friends, I think this was a success. And I enjoyed the “accountability” of sharing it with you. When money isn’t the first thing I go to to meet needs and wants, God and people come through.

Just like He designed it.

Simplicity really is delightful.

Pencil marks on a wall

I wasn’t always this tall

You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed

You watched my team win

You watched my team lose

You watched when my bicycle went down again

And when I was weak

Unable to speak

Still I could call You by name

And I said,

“Elbow-Healer

Superhero

Come if You can.”

And You said, “I Am”

Only 16

Life is so mean

What kind of curfew is at 10 pm?

You saw my mistakes

You watched my heart break

Heard when I swore I’d never love again

When I was weak

Unable to speak

Still I could call You by name

And I said,

“Heartache-Healer

Secret-Keeper

Be my Best Friend”

And You said, “I Am”

You saw me wear white

By pale candlelight

I said forever to what lies ahead

Two kids and a dream

With kids that can scream

Too much it might seem when it’s 2 am

When I am weak

Unable to speak

Still I will call You by name

“Oh Shepherd

Savior

Pasture-Maker


Hold on to my hand”

And You say “I Am”

The winds of change

And circumstance blow in and all around us

So we find a foothold that’s familiar

And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

Life had begun

I was woven and spun

You let the angels dance around the throne

Who can say when

But they’ll dance again

When I am free

And finally headed Home

I will be weak

Unable to speak

Still I will call You by name

“Creator

Maker

Life-Sustainer

Comforter

Healer

My Redeemer


LORD and King

Beginning and the End