“To call self-protection the problem right at the moment when the pain is most severe is not easy.  But it must be done.  When relieving pain becomes our priority, then we have left the path of pursuing God. 

The experience of pain has the power to either harden us in our self-protective style or to drive us to deeper trust in God.  It can enable us to see clearly how our relational style accommodates our commitment to stay safe rather than to freely love others. 

Self-protection and love are opposites.  Since love is the ultimate virtue, self-protection is the ultimate problem.” 

Inside Out, pg. 184

My friend was honest today about something vulnerable.  It helped me remember how vulnerability begets vulnerability.

My heart sank this afternoon, thinking about how the previous blog post would come across as complaining about my sweet boys.  Love always protects.  I wanted to point out my own pride and fear and hurt.  But I can do that without hurting my children.  Forgive me?  Because the truth is my heart is so filled with love for them I can hardly stand it. 

And shame on me if I talk about self-protection and not be vulnerable and share my own. 

The funny thing is, I just showed you some of it.  Trying to be tough or funny or stand-offish.  Or seeking perfection in myself or others.  Or doing things to please people rather than pleasing Him.

I read The Parable of the Lost Son this morning.  It never fails to move me.  Here’s The Message version. 

Then he said, “There was once a man who had two sons. The younger said to his father, ‘Father, I want right now what’s coming to me.’

“So the father divided the property between them. It wasn’t long before the younger son packed his bags and left for a distant country. There, undisciplined and dissipated, he wasted everything he had.

After he had gone through all his money, there was a bad famine all through that country and he began to hurt. He signed on with a citizen there who assigned him to his fields to slop the pigs. He was so hungry he would have eaten the corncobs in the pig slop, but no one would give him any.


“That brought him to his senses. He said, ‘All those farmhands working for my father sit down to three meals a day, and here I am starving to death. I’m going back to my father. I’ll say to him, Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son. Take me on as a hired hand.’ He got right up and went home to his father.


 “When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: ‘Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son ever again.’


“But the father wasn’t listening. He was calling to the servants, ‘Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We’re going to feast! We’re going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!’ And they began to have a wonderful time.


“All this time his older son was out in the field. When the day’s work was done he came in. As he approached the house, he heard the music and dancing. Calling over one of the houseboys, he asked what was going on. He told him, ‘Your brother came home. Your father has ordered a feast—barbecued beef!—because he has him home safe and sound.’


 “The older brother stalked off in an angry sulk and refused to join in. His father came out and tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t listen. The son said, ‘Look how many years I’ve stayed here serving you, never giving you one moment of grief, but have you ever thrown a party for me and my friends? Then this son of yours who has thrown away your money on whores shows up and you go all out with a feast!’


 “His father said, ‘Son, you don’t understand. You’re with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours—but this is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate. This brother of yours was dead, and he’s alive! He was lost, and he’s found!’”

I’m so like the Younger Brother.

I’m so like the Elder Brother.

I want to just want You, Father.

It’s been a morning of stories already.

Caleb is 4 today.  So we had a morning of making nerf-gun-shaped pancakes and opening a few presents.  But all of that pushed us back to get out the door by 7:30. 

So right after I posted a sweet, adorable picture on Facebook to celebrate my youngest (because I figured that was the best way to get out the door on time), I asked him to please brush his teeth.

This adorable, sweet youngest proceeded to throw himself onto the floor and wail about how he can’t do it.

We talked, I told him I could help him finish but he needed to start himself, and other patient, loving things.  (I didn’t want to blow the whole amazing-mama-pancake-thing on something as small as teeth brushing.)

Finally, since time was running out and he was being disobedient, I started counting.  He got up dutifully and started brushing.  But the fussing continued.  I rolled my eyes as I finished getting ready until I heard what he was saying:

“I just need to go slowly, Mama.  I just need to go slowly.”

I was humbled.

But, true to form, we were right back at it in the car.  We talked about the day and when Caleb’s school was mentioned he goes,

“Yeah, and I’m the boss.”

Caden almost immediately got angry and started crying (he’s like me and cries when he’s frustrated).  I made him tell me what he was feeling.  He was so distraught that Caleb thought he was the boss.  I don’t even think Caden was wanting to be the boss; he was just upset at the idea that Caleb thought he was.

So I asked, “Do you really think Caleb thinks he’s the boss of everything?”

No.

“Do you think he just wants to show us when we’re at his school what he’s learned and what he knows?”

Yes.

Alright, then.

And, finally, I haven’t told you about a couple who has been coming to my second Fall Avoidance class.  They are wonderful.  He’s been a political science professor at WSU for 53 years.  (And you would love his wife.  Every time he donates to politics, she makes him match the amount to charity.  She is a gem.)  He still works full-time at 83 and, according to his wife, has won pretty much every award he can win there.

But he struggles in my class. 

If he looks at the sign telling him what walking exercise to do, he isn’t sure how to start.  So I will show him.  He will then do something similar but not exactly what I’m looking for.  So usually what I end up doing is modeling the exercise right beside him, but slightly to the front so he can see. 

He regularly says self-deprecating things like, “I’m a slow learner.”   Or “I’m a little dense.”

Now do you really think this cerebral professor is a slow learner?

Finally today I said, “You are not a slow learner.  You are just not a kinesthetic learner.  You know many things but in your 53 years of teaching, you haven’t been forced to make your brain and your limbs connect.  So it will take some time to let those neurons connect what I’m asking you to do in your head to what I want you to do with your limbs.”

I remember feeling the same way my first time in counseling.  The main goal for a good Christian counselor is to take things a lot of us know in our head…and transfer them to our heart. 

It’s what Jesus meant when He asked us to clean the inside of the cup, not just the outside. 

We can do this, Church. 

We have to do this.  There is a watching world waiting to see us take what we know and live it out from the center of our souls. 

They can smell disunity.  The already completely understand pride and self-protection and digging broken cisterns that don’t satisfy (Jer. 2:13).

They want to see us love.  Each other, most of all.  We can only fake it for so long.  We have to love from the center of who we are.  If we find that we’re not, we have to be honest with Him about why.  And pour out our bitterness and complaints and deep, deep wounds to Him so He can replace them with His love, forgiveness, mercy and freedom.

Beauty for ashes.

Every time.

“There is a way that seems right to a man,

But in the end it leads to death.”

Proverbs 14:12

Then Jesus asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to?  It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches.”


Again he asked, “What shall I compare the kingdom of God to?  It is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into about sixty pounds of flour until it worked all through the dough.”


Luke 13:18-21



I’m going through Luke and Proverbs simultaneously.  I like the contrast.  And yet it all flows seamlessly.

We had a divinely-timed trip out of town over the weekend.  I want to tell you about it and someone I met, but now is not the time.

I need to jump right into Inside Out.  I am on the last section, but I think it is a great intro for our purposes on here.

“Most of us have memories we won’t think about – painful moments with a parent that may seem trivial till we reflect on them, wrenching episodes of sexual or emotional abuse.  Ignoring past pain sometimes seems like the logical thing to do, yet pockets of angry rage stay hidden in our soul. 

To deny we’re hungry after days without food and that we feel anger toward people who could have fed us but refused is not evidence of maturity.  Christians starving during a famine feel just as hungry as unfed pagans. 

It’s right to admit we’re hungry and normal to look for food to satisfy us.

But to admit hunger and then look for food to give those who earlier withheld it is not normal, it is Christian.

And we can’t do it without passionate confidence in the Bread of Heaven who sustains us now with manna but promises a banquet later.”

Inside Out, pg. 176

Small group always helps me focus.  We finished the last week of our Hosea study last night, and this verse caught my attention:

“For I am God, and not man – the Holy One among you.”  (Hos 11:9b)

The Holy One among you.

While we are no longer objects of wrath because of His rescue (Eph 2), He does “bring His holiness and that changes things.” (Chains Falling, pg. 96)

Next week, after a long weekend break, my youngest starts preschool.  It feels like vacation is officially over and routine will be in full force.  I want to really hone in on the things He’s asked me to do:

1.  Invest deeply in family, including praying for my husband in a new, intentional way. 

2.  Stay deep in the lives of others He’s put in my path.  He is being so faithful in this area.  I really believe in our church’s philosophy of ministry: More time spent with fewer people = greater lasting impact for the Kingdom.

3. Continue to invest in my fitness job.  Writing is becoming a higher priority as the years go on, but if I just hole up somewhere and write I will shrivel up and die!  Fitness gets me out among others and in the path of people I may not otherwise meet. 

4.  Keep obeying each next step with the outreach.  His heart for the women we seek to serve is obvious by how faithful He’s been.

5.  Writing.  This blog is one medium for that.  I have committed that He is my audience but wanted you to know the areas I’m feeling pulled toward:

– Our group is going through Hosea again, this time teaching each other.  So I want to pass on what I learn in studying Chapter One in-depth.

– I’ve been reading the mind-blowing book Inside Out and want to share some lessons from it.  While I read often, I read very slowly.  So I’m still not completely done with this one. 

– Simplicity.  The last section of writing I did about this on the blog felt very “out there” as far as how having single eyes gets us among those who need Him.  The next section is slow in coming but it feels more along the lines of the Inside Out lessons: The “Stress” section of 7.  The Media Fast lessons.  More of the internal nature of simplicity.  Being and Doing coming together in our lives.

So I want to type out some of these lessons…you know, for otherpeople.  Just kidding, the only reason I would teach would be because I need to learn!

And that’s what I have at this point.  There will probably be random kid-isms and sweet stories about how my students knock my socks off.  And I do really plan on working near and interviewing my iPad friends.

Just know that since I have other balls in the air, this much will take us quite a while.  But I wanted to write it out while it’s fresh in my head.  Plus I do better at committing to things when they’re written in ink. 

Or typed in…internet.

I have a new office.

I am an interesting kind of extrovert.  I need a lot of alone time.  I need to process.  But, often, I don’t want to do that totally alone.

I like having people nearby on which to bounce things off.

I like to know that if I have a question, I can ask.

Kind of like independent work in classes at school.  Teacher and friends are right there if you need someone, but you are expected to stay focused on your work. 

So I have a new office.  I’m going to bring my laptop to the gym one or two weekday mornings for an hour or so before I teach a class and sit with the Coffee Guys/Gals.  Except they are now the iPad Guys/Gals.  It’s hilarious.  They all get on their iPads and share things they’re into, learning or laughing at.

Just like group work in school, come to think of it.

I asked if I can sit at the table next to them.  To type a little, talk a little.  To ask and really hear their stories.  A few of them are from different countries.  Others are from America but have lived elsewhere.  Some are right here, born and raised in Wichita, and could give me quite the history lesson on the city.

All of them have stories. 

Wanna know what their response was?

Enthusiastic, of course.

Who doesn’t want to be asked about their life?  Their story?  The lessons they would pass on to others if those others wanted to know?

So I wanted to let you know they will be appearing here often.  I told them I would change their names.  And maybe some details if the real ones are too boring.  Just kidding.  No one’s life is boring.  We have much too creative of a Father for that to happen.

I hope you’ll join me in some curiosity. 

I think they’re fabulous.

I had a complete meltdown last night.

I had, once again, started leaning toward pleasing instead of loving and serving.  So when something was just slightly not ideal in our little world, and it had to do with me, I came unglued. 

Because the approval of my family was inching its way back up the pedestal as Most Important in Life.

Otherwise known as idolatry.

God met with me, my husband talked through it with me, and my friend comforted me.

We went to Open House for Caden’s school and had ice cream with friends to celebrate a 7-year-old’s birthday.

We drove home with the late evening sun seeping through those rain clouds.  His mercy was tangible.

I’m choosing to accept my family’s forgiveness.  I’m deliberately going to dwell in His love and grace today.  And I’ve reset my brain on pleasing Him.

Because trying to please anyone else as ultimate importance always leads to disaster.

Do you have a recurring pedestal issue?  Want to share? 

I really want to know. 

“To fear the LORD is to hate evil;

I hate pride and arrogance,

Evil behavior and perverse speech.”

Proverbs 8:17.  Read this this morning and thought it was fitting. 

Saw this on Pinterest:

“Freedom is being so in love with Christ

that you do exactly what you want to do

and it accords with Christ.” 

– John Piper

Help us love what You love and hate what You hate.

“Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort.  He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”


Three different times today.  Figured I should pay attention.