Yes. 

This.

“When I write about what I believe and how I should live, it sounds neat and orderly.

When I try to live it out, all hell breaks loose.”

– Philip Yancey

But anyway.  I’m gonna write it.

Because let’s just say I need to get back on the proverbial horse.

In two areas.

One is in the area of spending.  The other is in the area of eating.

I do not wish to comment on the former.

Or the latter.

Okay, I’ll say one thing about the latter:

Apparently, if you want your pants to fit like normal, you shouldn’t only teach senior classes and eat chocolate every day during the winter.

Apparently.

(If I know you in real life, pleeeeaaase don’t worry and try to convince me I’m not fat.  I know I’m not fat.  I’m just saying….the pants….)

Anyway.

Our family is doing a little spring cleaning, if you will. 

Part of the problem is the spending thing correlates with the eating thing.

I’ll just make it public:

We like to eat out.

Like, a lot.

We budget more for it than any financial planner would nod at. 

But, frankly, we know our family.

Either way, we need to chill a bit in that department.

Plus, seriously with the chocolate.  We need to eat real food.  I think we’re better at this overall in the spring/summer.  Grilling, fresh veggies, hopefully a garden this year.

And trust me, I understand grace at a heart level.  So this is not out of legalism.  But out of conviction and obedience, we need to work on our health.  At this point it’s becoming a stewardship issue.  Of the bodies He’s given us.

So I will be doing a bit more in these two categories.  I’ll probably publicly fail in both.  Or I may type something profound, then run into you at the Donut Whole spending grocery money on a new T-shirt.  (This is something that actually happened.  Well, I didn’t run into you.)

So buckle up. 

This will be the Proffer Family Gets Healthy and Spends (a little) Less Extravaganza!

P.S. I ate an apple at dinner.

“I remember a time in my college years when I was deeply puzzled over ongoing feelings of ‘guilt’ deep within me over a sin for which I had asked forgiveness many times.  I could not understand why I never felt out from under the burden of it.

Years later God pried my eyes open to 2 Corinthians 7:10:

‘Godly sorrow brings repentance.’

Suddenly I realized that I had never developed a godly sorrow over that sin.  I regretted it because I knew it wasn’t God’s will for my life, but I had no real sorrow over it.  In fact, I realized I ‘had cherished sin in my heart’ (Ps. 66:18), hanging on to it emotionally though I had let go of it physically. 

I had done the right things, but I still felt the wrong things. 

Please let me be very clear: God’s will was certainly for me to act in obedience immediately rather than waiting until I felt like it.  However, I would not enjoy full freedom from the sin burden until I let Him change my heart as well. 

When God opened my eyes to 2 Corinthians 7:10, I wept before the Lord and said,

‘I want to have godly sorrow for this sin so that I can be free…but I don’t, Lord!  What can I do?  Am I stuck with it forever?’

His tender response was the same one He’s given virtually every time I have longed for something I lacked:

‘Pray for it, My child.’

I began to pray for godly sorrow to come to me over that cherished sin. 

It came at first like the gentle morning tide, but ultimately it hit me like a tidal wave.  I did not realize until then how different the concepts of regret and repentance are.

Have you ever physically turned from a sin and ceased the activity, yet continued to cherish it to some degree in your heart?  If so, we’re not alone…

Godly sorrow is a change of heart resulting in complete agreement with God over the matter.  You may say, ‘..but I can’t change the way I feel.’

I understand.  I’ve been there too. 

But that’s why it’s called ‘godly sorrow.’ 

It’s a work of God: He can change our hearts.

When we are challenged to repent of cherished sin, all God is waiting for us to do is invite Him to change our hearts and bring about the supernatural work of true repentance.  He’s looking for our willingness to let go of the sin, both physically and emotionally. 

You see, God will not let the issue rest until repentance takes up full residency in the heart.

Why?

Because until the heart change comes, we will continue to be at an overwhelming risk of returning to sinful actions…

…What divine vengeance occurs when we let God use our past failures to humble us, to refine us, and to use us all the more effectively!

If we are in Christ, we are not hopeless no matter which side of true repentance we’re on…if we realize we’ve never developed godly sorrow over certain sin, let’s ask Him for it!

Then hang on, because He will be faithful to do it!”

Beth Moore, Praying God’s Word “Overcoming Feelings of Guilt” chapter

Another thing He’s been teaching me is the truth of this:

Worldly sorrow brings guilt.

But Godly Sorrow brings sadness for the people your sin hurt.

He is so, so patient, kind, loving and good!

Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted.

Stay wide-awake in prayer.

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.

Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless—cheerfully.

Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God’s words; if help, let it be God’s hearty help.

That way, God’s bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and He’ll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything—encores to the end of time. Oh, yes!

It’s judgment time for God’s own family.

We’re first in line.

If it starts with us, think what it’s going to be like for those who refuse God’s Message!

When God, who is the best Shepherd of all, comes out in the open with his rule, he’ll see that you’ve done it right and commend you lavishly.

And you who are younger must follow your leaders. But all of you, leaders and followers alike, are to be down to earth with each other, for—

Who breaks the power of sin and darkness?

Whose love is mighty and so much stronger?

The King of Glory!

The King above all kings!

Who shakes the whole earth with Holy Thunder?

Who leaves us breathless in awe and wonder?

The King of Glory!

The King above all kings!

This is Amazing Grace!

This is Unfailing Love!

That You would take my place!

That You would bear my cross!

You would lay down Your life

That I would be set free!

Jesus, I sing for

All that You’ve done for me!

Who brings our chaos back into order?

Who makes the orphan a son and daughter?

The King of Glory!

The King above all kings!

Who rules the nations with truth and justice?

Shines like the sun in all of its brilliance?

The King of Glory!

The King above all kings!

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain!

Worthy is the King who conquered the grave!

Phil Wickham, This Is Amazing Grace

Just so you know, the truths swirling in my head and heavy on my heart today are easier for me.

They’re much less,

“THUS SAITH THE LORD.”

Which, by the by, I always prefer.

(Who am I, anyway?  A big ole sinner, saved by a Glorious Redeemer, right alongside anyone reading this.) 

Anyway.

I told you we’re going through Hosea as a small group.

So idols, rebuke, waywardness, love, sacrifice and chastisement.

Then as a church we’re going through Galatians.

So grace, not law.  Walking in the Spirit not trying to earn approval.  Believing God is what is credited as righteousness.

Then, when I’m caught up in our study, I’m reading on my own time through Hebrews.  So faith, perseverance, our Great High Priest, warnings against unbelief.

It’s a lot, yo.

Some tidbits of conversation from this week:

“Paul often called himself a bondservant.  A bondservant is different than a child.  Both obey.  Both love.  But a bondservant responds for different reasons than a child to a father.”

“I grew up in a home where nothing was ever good enough, no matter what.  So how do I now reconcile my desire to help others be all they can – to the best of their ability – and still live in and show grace?”

“I’ve heard the story of the prodigal son my whole life.  And I have always identified with the older brother: that stinks for him.  The biggest spiritual issue I’ve faced is pride.  But now?  I’m eating from a stinking pig trough [in this area].”

(Oh, P.S. Do you have people this honest in your life?  You need some!  And, yes, I have permission to post this anonymously.)

I told you Dan and I are working on our communication. 

This is hard.

Both of us are so, so wrong at times.

But (thank You Jesus) both of us want to change.

And now let’s talk about parenting, shall we? 

I have yelled.

I get impatient.

Sometimes I take waaaay too much time to myself.

The boys often have too much screen time – especially in the winter.

Sometimes out of fear I stress about behavior rather than the source: their hearts.

That was not fun to type. 

Ah, parenting.  Such a good lesson in being forced to trust God.  There’s nothing like the illusion that you have things under control when a little human comes along and goes, hee hee.  Nope.     

But that’s okay.  Control isn’t the goal.  If I had the perfect formula, what would I need God for?  And besides, I’d just end up worshipping my formula.  (Trust me, I know my sinful little heart.)

The boys know I need God.  They’ve watched me pray out loud for my attitude.  They’ve seen me ask forgiveness from them and Jesus.  They’ve watched me tear up when they ask, “Why are you mad, Mommy?” because I got grouchy instead of graceful.

Yes, I definitely need Him. 

Why am I word vomiting all this on you? 

Because I want you to be warned – in case you were ever tempted:

Do not look toward this little blog for How to Have the Perfect Family. 

We are not that family. 

We have certain strengths and lack many, many others.  We know about some things…and are frightfully inept at others. 

(But I will share the things I do know about that He’s taught me…because I have to answer to Him if I don’t.)

We are walking with people who know us and our hearts well.  People who have cried with us, prayed for us, shared their struggles, too.  We are accepting their rebukes and challenges because we know they love us and it is in our best interest.  We are apologizing and repenting when needed.  We can make it together – growing and loving and serving. 

Please, Jesus.  Your Spirit empowering our efforts. 

So You get the credit.

This was a good read.  I’m sure all pastors everywhere would appreciate their people taking note:

http://mrsgoresdiary.com/2014/02/27/mrs-gores-tips-for-not-making-your-pastor-wish-he-was-anything-but-a-pastor/

I’ve been gently (ahem) reminded that when all I do is type out a verse swirling through my brain, it can come across as quite…harsh.

He feeds on ashes….He feeds on ashes…

Our small group is going through a study on Hosea. 

Whew.

It would like to kill me.

How many times do I run away from the Love of My Life? 

Anyway, a few weeks ago she referenced yesterday’s verse, talking about our idols.

In particular, the image of feeding on ashes.

Who would choose that, right? 

But we’re so enamored with what we’ve put in the position of highest importance, it’s as if we’re eating ashes and don’t even realize it…because our “deluded heart misleads us.”

But I’ve been contemplating the significance of “right hand” as well.

A long time ago I think I heard someone teach on what the right hand stands for in the Bible. 

But since I couldn’t exactly remember, I looked it up. 

On the internet.

Everything on the internet is true.

biblestudytools.com says:

“Hand most frequently represents the ownership, power, or control that its possessor (either an individual or a people) exercises…The hand of God, and especially the right hand, is also understood as a place of salvation, refuge, and protection.”

So when we’re treasuring something worthless (or worthwhile but not of Utmost Importance) above the Treasure, not only are we unknowingly feeding on ashes, we “cannot say,

‘Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?'”

In other words, this thing I think I own, have power and control over…

…is a complete and total lie.

…is dung compared to His right hand – a place of salvation, refuge and protection.

…and will never, ever provide that same salvation, refuge and protection for which I’m yearning.

Scary, isn’t it?

Our idols are junk.

Ashes and lies.

Jesus, You are the One and Only.  Take us by the right hand.  Give us deep, godly sorrow when we put something else in that right hand.  Awaken us when we’re feeding on ashes.  Thank You that You and You alone are our salvation and satisfaction.

This is what the LORD says –

Israel’s King and Redeemer,

the LORD Almighty:

I am the first and I am the last;

apart from me there is no God.

Who then is like me?

Let him proclaim it.

Let him declare and lay out before me

What has happened since I established my ancient people,

And what is yet to come –

Yes, let him foretell what will come…

All who make idols are nothing,

And the things they treasure are worthless…

He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him;

He cannot save himself, or say,

‘Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?’

Remember these things,

O Jacob,

For you are my servant,

O Israel.

I have made you, you are my servant;

O Israel, I will not forget you.

I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,

Your sins like the morning mist.

Return to me, for I have redeemed you.”

Isaiah 44:6,7, 9a, 20-22

“The Gospel says it’s possible to be loved and accepted by God

 and sinful and imperfect at the same time.”

– Pastor Terry

For no matter how many promises God has made,

They are “Yes” in Christ…

Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ.

He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us,

And put His Spirit in our heart as a deposit,

Guaranteeing what is to come.

– 2 Corinthians 1:20a, 21-22